I think we can all agree that relationship breakups fucking suck, whether you were happy and thought that everything was all hunky dory to being with someone who has made you totally miserable for years. Either way, it’s a death.
There are many great articles from PhD’s, but like you, I’m just another person trying to find love and hope it lasts, which seems to be nearly impossible these days. I have noticed that depending on which article you read, there can range anywhere from five to nine stages of breakup grief. These are just my own personal thoughts of observation or experiences of each stage.
Shock – The initial shock of your partner telling you either they have found someone else, gone back to an ex, things are not working out, doesn’t love you anymore or just feels the need to move on. However, sometimes they leave you without saying a word because they want to avoid all confrontation, can’t deal with fighting or the tears.
I’ve been on both sides of this equation. Deciding to leave is a tough decision. Have both people given their all to making the relationship work? Can you look past their faults? How much longer can you hold on? You have to weigh all of the pros and cons, prepare and then make your move. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I started making such decisions, up until then, I basically let the guy decide, which in turn caused a lot of short-term relationships.
The guys who broke up with me, I was either young and vulnerable or I thought we had more than what we did. I’ve only heard those three little words from four guys in my life, two were that deep-down love or so I thought, but were short-lived because of other circumstances, and hurt like hell, and the shock of them telling me they either were seeing someone else who lived closer or let an abusive ex keep coming back was excruciating and the pain is impossible to relinquish. The saying goes that ‘time heals all wounds’ is crap, you just learn to deal and move on the best way you can.
You ask yourself, what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong? There can be various responses to that question, but you can be the most awesome person in the world and still get dumped.
Although, sometimes it can be a mutual decision, neither of you are feeling the love or have the willpower to continue to try to make it work. Is it easier to handle? Maybe in some ways, but still difficult.
Denial – Denial for me is that this can’t be happening, not to me. Why? What if I had tried harder or loved them more? In the end, you can give them every ounce of love and understanding, but it doesn’t make a bit of difference.
Denial in that they will come back soon, after they gotten their closure from an ex, that it won’t work out with the new person and that they would come running back to you. After they have worked out whatever problems they are trying to handle on their own. If they can deal with all of that and do come back after you have given them space to do so, after sorting through your own feelings and have moved on, do you really want them back by then? Will it be the same magic as before? Will they do it again? Are they truly back to stay? Can you forgive them and forget? Can you trust them again? Those are all tough questions you need to ask yourself, and don’t deny what you know in your heart. If you let them back, for one night, a week, month, but nothing has really changed, you will to start the process all over again. Is your heart worth it?
Isolation – Being alone for most of my life, I feel like I’ve mostly been in isolation. But there’s a difference. I can be alone, but not lonely, will talk to friends, family and coworkers in a friendly manner. But when I’ve been hit with heartache, I’ll mention what happened to a few close family and friends, especially my Mother, who is always there to listen and advise. But for the most part, I don’t want to talk to anyone, not even make eye-contact since I feel like I’m shrouded in a big black cloud, like a huge part of me has been ripped from my body, and usually am fighting back tears, especially from the two worst hits, luckily in both instances either my computer at work was facing a wall or I had huge monitors blocking my face and people couldn’t see my tears running down unless I turned my head or if they actually came into my office. Fixing make-up and walking around the room and in the hall, took all restraint to hold those drops at bay, I don’t want to attract attention or sympathy in my moment of weakness, just leave me be, there’s nothing wrong, I’ll handle it. Alone. Or with a close friend’s Facebook chat.
When dealing with heartbreak, all I want to do is hide at home. Seeing and hearing anything that reminds me of them is pure torture. The tears flow when certain songs play on the radio in the car, I have to tell myself to get a grip until I get home, it’s not good to drive when you can’t see clearly or unable to fully pay attention to traffic.
And the nights are pure hell, imagining that they are next to you, but you can’t lay in your own bed, constant thoughts of them in your waking hours, unable to sleep, only to dream of them if you do. I don’t know how I manage at work with so much lack of sleep, getting four hours a night is good for me right now.
Anger – Oh, that’s when I start to get majorly pissed off, at them, the whole fucking situation, why they made the choice they did, an ugly ass crazy bitch over me, Seriously? Why can’t they grow some fucking balls, take back their power, be a real man? I haven’t met either of those women, only heard stories from other people, including the guys in question. I’ve never hated someone so much without actually meeting them and there are only a few people who I do hate that I have known for a variety of reasons, they are assholes.
Grief – Grief of what you had, what could have been, grief of losing the love you shared, the passion, is now all gone. Grief of never getting it back. Perhaps the most difficult of the stages.
Rebound – Do rebounds work? No, they don’t, they only make you feel worse, miss your ex even more and can hurt the person who you rebounded with. It seems like guys do more rebounding than women. For me personally, I can’t even imagine being with anyone else for a long time after a breakup.
Bargaining – Bargaining is when you’re so desperate in not losing them and would have do anything for them to come back, including things you wouldn’t normally do.
Depression – I previously discussed my own depression issues, but when dealing with the pain of heartbreak, it majorly amplifies depression. How can I live without him? Why does did he choose her over me? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t he love only me? What if I just died, then all of the ache will cease, would he even care?
How do you move on? Let go? Stop hoping? All of which you know you need to do, but how? When they are in your thoughts every second of every minute of every hour of every day. When you love them with your whole heart and soul, craving for them to be there with you, lying next to you, missing their touch, missing them so much it hurts in every ounce of your being. How? Why? When? Will things change in your favor for once?
Acceptance – Acceptance is a long and difficult road to reach after battling all of the previous stages, all of which can still linger for a long time.
One Xmas after a bad breakup I bought gifts for myself, had felt so deprived for so long when I was on a very tight budget, got some new clothes, some practical things, but also some other cool stuff, for some reasons I had gotten addicted to horses after the Arabians came to town and Southwestern décor, got new cowgirl boots, which I hadn’t had in twenty years, after having two cowboy ex-boyfriends in my mid-twenties, I didn’t want to look at that stuff at all. Everything I bought was on sale or cheap, but I did rack up another credit card, which I didn’t need. Most of the time when I wasn’t with anyone, I would splurge on my Mom, while she was always appreciative, some things just ended up in my old room and not used. This time, while I got what she wanted for Xmas, I felt like I needed to spoil myself for once and over-compensated for the loss.
During this time, while shopping, making horseshoe dreamcatchers for myself, Mom and a few other people, it dawned on me that maybe I’ve finally accepted the ordeal of what happened.
While I’m working on Acceptance, I still struggle with Denial, Isolation, Anger, Grief and Depression, at least the Shock and Bargaining has subsided, I’m not much for Rebound.
In the meantime, I’m staying busy working, my creative side has exploded with making themed horseshoe dreamcatchers, crochet items and different types of jewelry to sell online and of course writing, staying up way too late because I don’t want to go to bed, knowing tears of sorrow will fall when everything is dark and quiet, except for my mind and memories.
Written in 2017
